“…and you just ate that blue one. What if that blue jolly rancher was one of the other jolly rancher’s mother? What if by watching his mother die you’ve activated his latent mutant powers and he is now the master of magnetism, capable of shooting a coin through your brain???”
Part One: Pop CocksNo, that is not an unfortunate typo. Our boss brought a bag of candy back from an event the night before and include were these mini-size bags of Pop Rocks.
Now, as you may or may not have noticed, these bags look very much like condom packets. This is undoubtedly what gave Malo the brilliant "billion dollar" idea to create and sell "Pop Rock Condoms" or Pop Cocks, as we would market them.
None of us doubted that this amazing invention would sell well, first in Seattle at a variety of events (most notably the Erotic Art Show) were we could have a table or perhaps a booth. AJ even thought of a 2.0 concept: Glow in the Dark Pop Cocks!
However, I'm sure some of you more practical readers are already wondering how a group of non-scientific persons are going to create this marvelous product, get it passed by the FDA, and then mass produced. Well, we had that same worry, particularly about the FDA part. So, what we decided was to create instead was a glue/lubricant (or glube, if you will) that could be applied to the exterior of a condom that the Pop Rocks would then stick to. At our booth we would sell condoms, Pop Rocks, and our specially made glube; we would also have bananas on hand to perform demonstrations.
If any venture capitalists are interested in providing us with some start up capital, please comment below; I'm certain Pop Cocks will soon be a household name.
Part Two: The Word TaxAJ frequently replies to our advice with, "What do you expect? I'm a crazy person!" The rest of us are often guilty of starting stories with, "Do you want to know what's crazy?" or when telling a punch line saying, "And the crazy part is..." Thus, it was decided by the group (or possibly declared by me) that there would be a 5 cent tax on the word "crazy."
Proceeds from the word tax go towards a fund that shall provide for a boxen of donuts once sufficient funds have been gathered to purchase said boxen.
When asked why the tax had been implemented and whether or not it applied to synonyms, I replied that synonyms were exempt from the tax because the purpose was not to eliminate things that are crazy (far from it!), I simply wanted to elevate the vocabulary usage in our department. Thus, many things were said to be "insane," "weird," "preposterous," and so on.
Then they asked what would become of the tax once we had been trained not to say "crazy" anymore. I told them that I would select a new overused word and transfer the tax to that word and "crazy" would once again be free. Bryan asked why and it was Malo who answered in a stuffy British accent that we would all be speaking like perfectly dignified gentlemen sipping tea and saying "pip, pip, cheerio guvnor!"
I laughed and excitedly shouted, "Yes! Exactly! I've always wanted British co-workers, but since I've never had any I've decided to slowly make all of you British!"
We made about 50 cents today.
Part Three: My Awesome Dance Moves
I cannot dance. At all. When dancing I do the White Man Shuffle because I like to participate. I believe I mentioned my attempts to duplicate the AJ Dance in a previous post, well AJ was trying out some new moves today like the Shopping Cart, the Hitch Hiker, and other, similar ridiculous joke-dances. However, he wanted to know what he looked like while doing these dances so he asked someone of similar dancing ability to show him what he danced like. I was happy to oblige.
Several hilarious, sadly video-free (they were too busy trying not to wet themselves) minutes later, they were requesting dances that AJ hadn't even been doing just to see what I would do.
Part Four: AJ Throws Water On Me
Leftover from a prank that took place several years ago, Malo and Bryan have a bag of Pop-Its, the small, harmless fireworks that make a loud SNAP sound when you throw them against a hard surface. Occasionally, they will randomly throw one, usually to startle AJ because he has the funniest reaction when frightened (also, he is the easiest to frighten). Today, AJ had his steel water bottle in hand when a Pop-It was thrown. I was standing right in front of AJ so when he spazzed out the contents of his water bottle wound up almost entirely on my shirt. I was fairly drenched and laughing hysterically. I didn't bother changing my shirt or anything, but I did stay in our department until I dried off.
Story Time: The "Pitchfork Fishing" Story
Pretty much all of today's post was Story Time, so I'll make this a short one.
My dad and uncle grew up before the Environment was discovered. They were also quite poor and tended to get pretty sick of eating Spam. Thus, when the salmon were running in Blackjack Creek they would take a pitchfork down to the creek, climb down underneath Lund Ave bridge and spear them some salmon. They would then carry the fish and pitchfork back home, smiling brightly because they knew there would be no Spam tonight!
Well, as you can imagine they caught some real whoppers and people, sometimes including police officers, would be driving by, slow down, and ask them where they caught those beautiful fish. "Blackjack Creek," they would truthfully reply. After a few times of being asked, "where are your poles, boys?" and having to quickly come up with a lie like, "uhhhh...we left them down at the creek so we don't have to carry them back tomorrow!" they decided to be a little less conspicuous and leave the pitchfork at the creek as well as their imaginary fishing poles.
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